Dear June, I’m 26 and have no friends.

"And I truly mean, zero friends."

Dear June,

“I’m 26 and have no friends. And I truly mean, zero friends. I don’t mean I have a few acquaintances that I catch up with from time to time, but no close friends. No. I mean, if I died today, only a handful of people (all blood related) would attend my funeral. That sounds like a morbid thought, I know. But this time last year, almost to the day, I came scarily close to dying. I was battling multiple organ failure in a coma, recovering for months. So the funeral thought is one that has entered my mind many times over the last year. The thing is, it wasn’t always like this. In fact, I had an abundance of close friends from the age of 18 to 21. I moved to another city for university and formed friendshios that were more like sisterhoods. It was so bizarre though. The pandemic hit, and we all moved back to our home towns across the country. At first, we exchanged texts and the occasional call. But it wasn’t long before we all ceased to forget about each other’s entire existence. I think, they had friends waiting for them back home. Whereas the friends I had at home weren’t really friends; they were toxic so I distanced myself from them. And from that moment, 5 years ago, I have lived a life completely void of female friendships… The other main problem being, I have always been self-employed, working from home, so I also never had the opportunity to make ‘work friends’. I also gave up drinking entirely since leaving University as I simply didn’t like it anymore. That factor alone makes it harder to gain and maintain friendships than people realise. I live with my fiancé who I have loved for almost a decade now. He’s my best friend, and I am truly blessed. I’m incredibly close with my mum, my dad and my older sister. I am surrounded by love, and I never take that for granted. That being said, there are moments where a wave pulls me under and I suddenly feel incredibly lonely. It’s the moments where I want to do something girly; like go to a Sabrina Carpenter concert, fan-girl over the new Taylor Swift album, go to get my nails done, gossip over the new reality TV show. Once every few months when it really hits, I find myself curled up in bed, in my fiancè’s arms, sobbing over how much I want a friendship group. I made attempt to reconnect with my old friends, but it instantly slipped through the cracks; they were either uninterested or busy with other things in life. I suppose we have all changed a great deal in five years. With it being my reality for so many years, I have grown used to it. I am comfortable in my own company; in fact, I really enjoy it. And with being a shy person, being alone is often more comfortable than not. But whenever I wonder: who would be the bridesmaids at my wedding? I find myself in a puddle of tears again.”

This writer gave consent for their message to be shared and responded to publicly.

Dear friend,

First, I must acknowledge the hurt that rings out in your words, I am sorry you are feeling this way. Your feelings are valid, I see them. And I see you. I also see in you the gratitude and hope you maintain despite what weighs on you today. You are strong.

What you have been through in the last year is life-altering, self-altering. You have come face-to-face with your own mortality, and I can say from experience that this is something many can never truly relate to. I am so glad you are here today, sharing this earth with me.

I wrote a piece recently, maybe you have read it, where I liken this type of experience to an awakening. A shine that certain people have, where the illusions that protect us and allow us to live comfortably in the world and get along with others easily, if superficially, are stripped away as a result of living through something that makes you realize what is important in life.

Not the latest clothes.

Not looking cool for social media.

Not being caught up with celebrity gossip.

Not career promotions.

Not even money made.

(Thought all of these things have a valid space in our lives and can be fun.)

But you, I imagine, are now connected most to living a life well spent.

Experiencing emotion.

Finding moments of joy.

Exploring yourself.

Loving with a fierce tenacity.

Finding beauty in moments big and small, hedonism be damned.

You have stared at your mortality and had the meaning of life reflected back at you.

This takes power. This takes courage. This takes all of you.

You said it yourself, you, at one time in your life, had an abundance of friendships. This tells me you are capable of connection, likable, and well worth knowing (I could’ve guessed this myself). I would count myself lucky to be among your inner circle.

You remind me of me, of the once-close friendships. The isolation of working from home. The sobriety by choice makes it ever harder to align with your peers. A longtime partner who has stood by you, but I wonder if you, too, have found this isolating at times, too?

These are all tangible proofs that you know how to choose yourself and maintain your boundaries, at least in what you will accept in relationships. Regardless, I recognize and honor the insecurities that can arise when straying from the conventional path.

Let me assure you: These things make you infinitely a friend worth having.

You are capable of finding connections, though maybe they will not come in the ways you expect.

You have merit and a unique soul that interests and inspires others.

You have power in not settling for less than you deserve.

I encourage you to first, perhaps, to consider befriending yourself. What do you love to do? What have you always wanted to try? Where have you always wanted to go?

Can you date yourself, become comfortable and confident (certainly not at first if we are anything alike) with doing all that you hope to do someday with others, first with yourself?

Can you walk hand in hand with yourself down new paths?

Explore new places, and it’s likely that you will find new people.

And instead of seeing all of the wasted opportunity in those new people and your own inability to connect (which is not an inability at all, it’s just a fear we all carry in the face of the unknown), can you empathize that those people too are out here with themselves trying to find their place in this wild and unpredictable experience of living.

Can you lend a small smile or a compliment to someone who is also standing out in the crowd alone and wary?

Can you lend that same kindness to yourself, then, too?

Maybe you find a place you like to go, a hobby, or an experience that becomes routine in your life. Maybe there you find new souls who are on a path that led them, too, to this place. Maybe with repetition, they become more familiar. Maybe in the shared trying, you find yourself reaching out to them more. Maybe one day you will offer to meet them outside of this safe space and get to know them better.

Maybe they are a ship in the night, or maybe they are your new friend.

We are all afraid to be judged by others. We have all been hurt by people once upon a time, and we learned to build defenses and protect ourselves from feeling hurt again.

We are all unsure at times of what makes us worthy of love and attention. We all cling to the familiarity of our comfort zones.

We are all always discovering more about who we are, what we want, and what we need.

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

-wise words from a therapist who saved my life

Though not everyone you meet will be for you, it is important to remember that you have not yet met all of the important people in your life.

This possibility is always there. You cannot lose it by spending 6 months or 6 years to yourself.

If you know your worth and lead with the authenticity that rings true in your heart, you will never be led astray. Trust that you are worth knowing.

Trust that there is someone, and likely someones, unknown out there looking for you too.

You create the opportunity to find them simply by putting yourself out in the world as you are.

The safety to do this starts first from within. Let this take time. It is the foundation for accessing and accepting all that the universe has ready for you.

The love you develop for yourself will attract those destined to love you, too.

And you don’t have 0 friends, for we are friends, and I will be here for you.

with gratitude,

-June

I invite you to stay and be seen here.

for words with nowhere else to go

unspoken thoughts, unfinished feelings, & everything in between

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